ya ya, I've been slacking... here it is

ya ya, I've been slacking... here it is
Okay, so after getting a few phone calls (cough cough weiland…) I decided I suppose it is time to update this thing. Life in the Bronx got hectic fast. I think the last time I wrote anything I was headed to the North Andover/Merrimack/Lawrence area to visit with the Lawrence volunteers and see my college friends at homecoming. Upon departure from the Bronx I was bottled with excitement and anticipation; seeing those familiar faces and locations I’d missed. As we began to drift further and further away from the sounds and towering buildings of a city I have so quickly grown to love I began to reflect on all that has changed in a matter of months. Don’t get me wrong, I was still thrilled to be back in my old stomping ground, but I quickly became conscious of the fine line between everything you once knew changing and yet still appearing to remain the same.

The school its grounds and facilities all appear not to have changed, but within their gates or four walls everything is somehow- remarkably different; a new professor; a new color of paint; a new vibe; a once familiar face now only producing a nod of acquaintance. I was overjoyed to be in a place that I called home for four years, but it was coupled with a tentative awkwardness that I could not escape.

I found myself missing the hustle and bustle of New York. I missed the feeling of anonymity that seems to weave itself into my everyday life in the Bronx. I felt uncomfortable as I looked around at a campus that was all Caucasian, middle to upper class, privileged, and most importantly taking what they seem to think they are “entitled to” for granted. I will admit as a college student I threw money around – clothes shoes going out at night - it didn’t matter. I cared about individuals less fortunate, but for most of my collegiate career with exceptions of attending Alternative Spring Break and volunteering for Merrimack in the City days I didn’t give of myself in the way I am right now. I know by being an RA and an Orientation Coordinator and serving on class council I was enriching the lives of many, but I have never felt so good about myself as I do on a day to day basis in the Bronx –conversations I have with the homeless men up the street, or finishing a day of work leaves me feeling like I have actually accomplished something.

This is starting to have traces of nostalgia so let me talk about the good. To quite the opposite not everything and everyone had changed, or changed for the worse. My best friends remained my best friends and were not only thrilled to see me, but reaffirmed my desire to take this year. James was there to reminisce, cuddle, and put some vulgarity and familiar laughter back in my life. Christine was there to drive me around, blast silly songs and sing at the top of our lungs, and recreate some of my fondest Merrimack moments. My freshmen (sophomores now sigh.) were there to give me the current dish on Merrimack, praise my efforts as an RA and take me down a notch when I reminded them how cool and old I was. Although the stay at the Lawrence volunteer’s house was short, they greeted us with friendship and a sense of companionship that the program has enabled us to create. Adam, Lisa, Aidan and Ellie the family that I babysat graciously opened up their house, made me breakfast and left me vent about my excitements and frustrations while allowing me to remember how much love I was provided with through their family. They were my 2nd family at school and being at their house felt like home.

There were other sweet acquaintances -both peers and faculty or staff who were there with big smiles and open arms saying how much they missed me. It felt good to be back, but it felt just as good to realize that I guess in a sense I too have changed.

I found myself not caring as much about the Merrimack drama, who was dating who and who was in a fight, (I’ll admit though it was amusing to hear the stories of James Archambault Senior Resident Advisor hah). I found myself wanting, almost needing to explain and clarify with people who saw my year of service as “a vacation”, a fun filled year in NYC. I found myself tired and wanting to go to bed at a decent hour not meaning when the sun came up as per usual in college.

As cliché as it sounds, I did realize who out of everyone from the last four years really matters and others that just are not worth the effort anymore. Regardless of all the inner emotions and change ( hahahhah I can’t believe I am typing that ) it felt good to be in a familiar place, laughing and sharing memories and realizing that this year was a good decision.

Getting back into the swing of things at work and in the Bronx was easy. I had my fix of love and attention from family and friends and when I returned back to work I was greeted by the ladies of Siena with smiles and the need for love and attention that I was so craving before. When I talk, or more listen to the women I feel a sense of grief for the hardships they face, but it is also couple with camaraderie.

The girls at work have become my friends, their lives dictate what my job entails. If one of them admits that they are illiterate I sit down and figure out a way to teach her to read. When one comes crying about her baby daddy I feel a pang of heartache not only for her distress, but for her baby too. They have really opened up to me, sharing stories, hopes and fears, and in turn I have been able to learn from them and share with them.

I told them that my parents got divorced when I was six and that I do not have any contact or relationship with my biological father and they were astounded. They called me “Snow White” most likely because I am the only white girl, but they explained how they thought I came from a “perfect” intact family. I find the more I share with them, the better I feel about myself and my job and the more of a difference I can make.

On to the not so deep and emotional. MY HALF BROTHER AND HIS WIFE HAD A BABY! Elizabeth Avery- from the pictures I have seen and the overjoyed tone in my moms voice, I know she is teeny, precious, and amazing. I am very excited to have new life within my family and I am even more excited to shop for baby clothes!

Also, JEANNIE CAME TO VISIT THIS WEEKEND. I’m sure most of you know her, but for those of you who do not, she is one of my very best friends from college. She did the volunteer program last year in Chicago so it was not only nice to see her all weekend, but she could relate to me on another level. We took the city by storm- went out once in Manhattan and once in the Bronx. Spent a day navigating the city being silly tourists, getting lost, eating an expensive meal in times square, visiting with a family she baby-sits for (whose dad plays for the Rangers and asked me if I would be interested in playing with their kids a few random times nottaaaaa big deal :) ) We giggled more then I have in a very long time and we had some serious conversations about the direction of our life and the volunteer experience as a whole.

She put many things into perspective for me and she also brought out a silly, go with the wind, up for adventure side of me that has been missing this year. She made me realize how important my job and this year are, and how a good friend will always be there to support your goals. She also brought us a ton of beer, good clothing options, and a hearty appetite which we both filled quite quickly.

October has started out nicely. There were some ups and downs with one of our roommates jobs which put some stress on the other three of us. Hopefully things will work out and this will be a way for us to learn to communicate our needs and eventually build a stronger community. As for now I am thankful that I love my job and I am excited to see where the rest of the year will take the already formed relationships.